Let Us Become Us
- Nabin Chhetri

 

Let us demolish the walls of affinity,

yes, I reiterate, the walls of affinity,

and come more close

than affinity itself.

We know that we are neighbors.

 

Let us demolish the bars and boundaries

of the neighborhood also,

yes, of the neighborhood also–

they hinder us when we want to become

one wholesome us.

Yes, wholesome us.

 

White

- Saurava Pradhan

 

Your white hair

show through dark

as you are bent

reading stories of lives.

I, behind you,

think of stories

you created,

made me a part of.

My fingers curl into a fist...

Shall I...?

May be you’ll fall on the words you read.

May be you’ll turn around in rage,

grab my wrist

and smash me

against white wall.

Stars? Yes, stars. A lot of them.

 

The Nail

- Bhaupanthi

 

It is only the question of a nail. Since the house was made some time ago, there is little chance there are any nails remaining, the doors and windows were completed long time ago. This is the excuse he has prepared to justify his failure to find a nail before he has begun searching for it. Irritated, he says to his wife who has created this need for the nail, “So will there be an argument at home early in the morning for a nail?”

 

The wife that he has prepared in his mind replies, “Can’t you find one nail in this whole house?”

 

Was this house prepared to keep a pile of nails? This house was made to live in, to sleep in, and to take shelter in. People wish to take their last breath on their own lawn–the kind of breath after which people say “She’s dead.” All that is there. Today the morning’s argument will begin with a nail. According to his wife, a nail isn’t something you cannot get. Here or there, in some corner, a nail must have fallen. Now which nail would wait for someone to pick it up, straighten it with a hammer or stone?

 

He uses his logic. If he cannot find a nail, perhaps he should remove a nail from a door or a window. Is this house standing because of one nail? Like a house of cards will it crash if one nail is taken?

 

He says to himself, “Why so much talk? Will your marriage fall apart because of one nail?” This suspicion, that his marriage will fall apart, is like a nail that slowly rises from its place. He cannot find a solution, not a hammer or another tool, to hammer it back in.

 

Because he searched for a nail, he did not go out. His wife thinks there must be a nail in the house. She sees the table on which he writes, there are many pens there with open caps. What is this advertisement? Shouldn’t one put the cap on firmly after writing? The ink will dry up. How do men spend their lives, anyway? They do not even have the brains of a woman.

 

He has listened to such things several times silently. A nail hurts. What is a successful life like? One or many cars? One house or many houses? Should life end before seeing stacks of hundred thousands? Balances in all banks and big deposits? The nail hurts. But what is a successful person like? This is also something to think about. People who fail think about this a lot and look upon other people’s success with suspicion. Such long thoughts to realize this?

 

The nail has to be sought somewhere. Has there been a war for one nail? There is a story that goes like this: for the want of a nail, the horseshoe was lost, for the want of the shoe, the horse was lost, for the want of a horse, the trader was forced to sleep in the forest and robbers looted him. He thinks. Why did the trader have to go into the jungle anyway? Why did robbers live in the jungle and not in bazaars and cities?

 

Was the horse involved in the conspiracy? Was the horseshoe involved? Was the nail? In his imagination, he creates a battle. Because of the nail the clothes that his wife hung out to dry have fallen on the ground. “You increased my work.”

 

“I could not find a bigger nail.”

 

“Couldn’t you have brought one from the bazaar? Now…”

 

“They don’t sell one nail.”

 

Jesus and the crucifixion come before his eyes. On each of his hands was a nail. Lower down, his feet had been placed together and a large sharp nail had pierced them both. In that place of punishment are thieves, sinners, and betrayers. No one should meet him, nor go to that place of punishment, nor weep in pain, that is the king’s order. Those that have been crucified wait for death in pain. God’s children have nailed God’s children. Dropped bombs, killed brother-in-laws.

 

He could not find a nail in the house. The nail had become a challenge. You cannot find many things when you need them, even minor things. He thinks of a nail as something unimportant. A person full of nails tries to come to his mind. Many fears like that come to him. Country taken over by another country due to political failure, him hanging on a big nail on the wall, him falling into a great hole, and at night when beings that scare him attack, he wails like a lost child. They come, things like these come.

 

“Have you found the nail?” a voice inside him asks.

 

“I am searching,” sitting in front of him, he answers.

 

“Do people look for things sitting down?”

 

He stands up in fear. He is sitting with a pen in hand. He has begun many things, he has not been able to end anything. There is a foreign plot. People who dig graveyards. There is a conception, he has put people in there. After digging thirty-three graves he dies. He promises before he dies that he will dig his own grave. As he digs the thirty-third grave, death becomes his friend. He imagines death in a black uniform. A black hat that is encircled by a black ribbon. Black shoes shining a black shine. The coat, pant, shirt are all black. If you look inside the pants, the underwear is also black, but why would death take off its pants? Only the clothes give it shape. The tie is also black. People’s imagination.

 

But how did the graveyard touch him? He has a hidden wish, he wishes to go to another country. He has heard there is a lot of money there. Money! How does one earn money? People who go to Japan to represent the country disappear, players disappear: hiding, without visas, they labor. What to do? The work pays, wash soiled dishes in a restaurant, look after children in others’ homes, even more money if you clean the bones of cows, the work that pays the most is digging graves.

 

The people that have been given life by digging graves. For a while, he abandons his wish to go to another land and goes to those that dig graves. He has dug thirty-three graves. He drank a lot of whiskey and beer. He has a middle-aged whore for a lover. In the end, the same person will place a bunch of flowers and pray to God’s son, Lord Jesus, for the peace of the soul.

 

Nepalis don’t dig graves. What of this talk of opportunities to go abroad? Come on friend, money means a lot. On the notes earned by digging graves, the source of the money will be stamped. Money is important. To build a house and live, to buy land and enjoy yourself. Our country is broke. Graze where there is green grass.

 

As he dug the thirty-third grave, he dreamed of death wearing black. This day, death that will take his hand as he digs a grave, has left his hand. He fell into the grave he dug and hurt himself. Even death has left his side. The people for whom he dug thirty-three graves left his side. It goes like this, a conversation, sex with a middle-aged whore, love, story-telling, “Why have you not got the nail?”

 

Will life leave you alone? People or people’s savior! He had completely forgotten the nail. He was one who had to play the role. Yes, one person put on glasses. Now not the person, but he has to put on glasses when he writes. It is forced on him. The doctor has said, “It is very small, like the moon in the sky, you will have a cataract.”

 

Let the cataract form! At least there will be one comfort, I am weak in the eyes, that is why…. There will be the effort to operate. That, and also, all life long you read, write, and earn a cataract. “The old man does not write anything useful, but he writes with a cataract in his eyes, you have to respect that.”

 

There is a reason to forget. When he leaves home, he has to look for glasses to put in his pocket. He liked those glasses very much, the glasses broke a foot. He bought them cheap. He bought them from a person who sold glasses from a suitcase. When he brought the price down from Rs. 150 to Rs. 100, he felt he was successful. The power was just right and it enhanced his personality. The good are taken by God early, a foot is broken.

 

He will have to go out to buy one nail. Groups and groups of people are in search of grazing grounds, water, and money. Sometimes they hide in garbage containers, sometimes they run, sometimes they are crowds of refugees. He mumbles, “Where did the Nepali not go? Where are the glasses? Where did I put them, my love?”

 

When he is inside the house, things are easy for him. Outside there are many who ask, “Are you fine?”

 

“Where to where?”

 

“From home to the bazaar.”

 

“Was there anything special?”

 

“I search for a nail.”

 

“Nail? What is that?”

 

Behind him, they speak. “He writes, but at this time he is looking for a nail. You can’t understand such people.”

 

In his thoughts, his home is not like that. Sneaking into one vest and one wrapping, he can sleep all day. What is there that he can do, achieve, besides sleep? The decision-making power that rules the world is not his. There is not even a nail at home, what decision-making power? Those who have the army, the police, and money, they will run the country and politics. What is the point in struggling like a bird that has just been placed in a cage. Sleep. Let us sleep in a vest and a wrapping.

 

But he is already at the bazaar. He stands before the shop and has already said, “Do you have nails?”

 

“Yes. Big, small, what kind? How many?”

 

Take big ones or small ones? He has taken out his glasses from his pockets.

 

“Show me. What is popular, I wish to see.”

 

The shopkeeper orders his assistant. “Bring two-three kinds of nails here.”

 

Selecting two nails that the assistant has brought to the counter, he asks, “How much?”

 

“How much?” the shopkeeper asks. He makes an effort to laugh.

 

“I just want two.”

 

“Take them free. Take more. You need them at home, don’t you?”

 

He does not wish to escape so easily.

 

“How much do I need to pay?”

 

“I’ve already said, take them, these nails get lost even as we store them.”

 

He does not like the easy solution. There should be momentary complications and some bargaining. Life would be really simple otherwise.

 

– Adapted by P.R.